Variavalitsaphobia

I have a fear of overweight suitcases.  

I'm not sure where it started because I can't actually remember a time when I had an overweight bag.  I have never found myself, like others I have witnessed, shouting at my wife whilst decanting innumerable shoes into hand luggage at the check-in desk.

It just seems so illogical to me that I could be financially penalised, and perhaps my fear is born more from the frustrating exchange that would ensue if I were ever asked to pay a fine for being a few measly pounds over the baggage allowance.  

I imagine my calmly reasoned arguments would fall on ignorant and disinterested ears.   These carefully honed and factually correct assertions developed over a number of years and played out over and over in my head, would carry, somewhat ironically; no weight.

The check-in person tells me my suitcase is two kilos overweight and I respond firstly with my "I'm really thirsty" contention which goes something like this... 

I'm two kilos overweight you say? Well you know, I'm really thirsty and I was just about to drink two litres of water but if I don't do that right now, I'll be two kilos lighter than I was planning to be when I get on the plane,  so I reckon that makes us evens!

Blank, slightly bemused expression, and some slight twitching and herferrs from the people behind me in the queue.
 
It's simple mathematics I say....

No response.  So I reluctantly offer the slightly more hackneyed, though again in principal, factually accurate;  

Six months ago I was 25kg heavier but decided to go on a diet and now here I am 25kg lighter so surely that must count?  If I hadn't bothered and turned up with my BMI practically hanging over the edge of my trousers you'd been carrying a whole extra suitcase right there.

Of course, that's the crux isn't it.  That's why we get really upset because we see the person heavier than us at the check-in and think; they're getting their excess baggage for free.  The airlines cannot charge heavy people more, and rightly so; it's discrimination.  

Whilst the arguments coalesce at some point, I can simply make a bit more effort and take less in my suitcase; problem solved.   

This is just her hand luggage

I believe the airlines' main argument is that more weight burns more fuel which is true, but then so is my claim about how heavy I am/was/could be.  A moot point indeed.

As far as I know there hasn't been a word coined for "Fear of overweight suitcases", so using standard nomenclature I made up my own, and like a significant majority of the phobias we hear of, it isn't a real fear that anyone suffers from, just a word to describe it.

  
That being said, I'm still going to pack a really heavy clown in my suitcase.